His grace and mercy found me in my deepest despair and misery.
by VANESSA WHITE
His love is vast and steadfast; it is more than what my broken heart was searching for; I searched for many things that left me empty, broken, furthermore miserable. His grace and mercy found me in my deepest despair and misery.
I was a slave to sin and couldn’t get out of it, no matter how much I hated it and how hard I tried. I wanted to live a good life. I wanted to be pure and clean. I tried to look at myself in the mirror and love what I saw. All I saw back then was worthlessness, ugly, unwanted, broken, used up, disgraced, wretched, darkness, disgusting, and a loser. Honestly, I am just giving you a PG rating of what my thoughts were saying and screaming at myself.
I couldn’t get my act together if someone paid me a billion dollars. I was lost in a world filled with sin. Destruction was the path I was walking on; actually, I was running on a highway to hell.
Nobody told me about Christ. I knew there was a GOD, but I didn’t know who He was, or maybe I sometimes doubted He was there. I didn’t think He cared anything about me. But Satan has always been a liar, and his desire is to steal, kill and destroy. Well, God saved my life, He rescued me from the gates of hell, and yes, hell is a real place. I tried to take my life; I no longer wanted to live because I hated my life, and I hated myself. I lived my life filled with destruction, trauma, drugs, addiction to alcohol, and immorality.
I was in so much bondage, and the only way I knew to stop all the pain and agony was to take my life. I tried to drown myself; there was more pain in my life than to stay underneath the water; my life did flash before my eyes, I thought about all the lies I have told, all the people I have hurt, and the people I would hurt by all my foolish choices.
There was no bright light for me, I knew I was on my way to hell, and I was going down a grayish smokey tunnel; I cried out to the LORD, from the depths of my soul. There was no unique way to communicate with Him, and I just said what I could. Who are You? Are You really there? Do you really exist? Is there more to life than just this? If You are there, then here I am, you can have me.
It was as if I felt the Spirit of the Lord pull me out of the water; then I had a hunger and desire to seek Him and know Him; my heart’s cry was LORD, “make me a godly woman.” Giving my life to Christ is the best decision I have ever made. It has not been an easy journey, but He is worth it all. Now my heart’s genuine desire is to seek His face, to live for Him. I want to serve Him and live each day living and breathing Him and the Gospel of our salvation.
Dear LORD, please forgive me of all my sins. Show me how to live for You, teach me who You are. Take this heart of mine and give me a heart that loves You, hunger and thirsts for You.
For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16